Friday, September 21, 2007

K-mart Hates Me.

Really Hates Me.

Whenever I get the bright idea that I will save time by going to K-mart (usually less crowded than Wal-mart) I end up paying dearly. This last experience has taught me a lesson. K-mart does not like me. I will never, ever go there again.

There is only one check-out line open when I go in. No matter how many people are in the store. After spending 15 minutes in line and finally making it to the counter, the cashier can't find a price in the system for whatever I'm purchasing. Or the person in front of me is paying with a check, a credit card AND cash.... and still can't round up enough money to pay for their item.

Last time, I got to spend five minutes in line with a family right out of Deliverance. Hadn't bathed in at least a year (just judging by the smell AND the coating of grime on their collective skins), had 5 teeth between them and were apparently allergic to laundry detergent, toothpaste and soap. Guess what they were buying.

Roach Gel. I know. I was surprised that any self-respecting roach would want to be caught in their house, dead OR alive. Ma redneck wasn't wearing a bra... I know this because she was wearing a large man's shirt with the sleeves cut out.

When the cashier runs the roach gel across the scanner it rings up$9 and change. Redneck family explodes!

Pa Redneck: "Nine Dollers! Thet sign sayud three dollers and fifty ceents! I seen it riyut there on da shelf."
Clerk: "Okay, sir. Let me call that department and see if I can get a price check."
Pa Redneck: "Nine Dollers! Thet's crazee!"
While the clerk is waiting on the price check, She ansers a call from someone inquiring about paints. She pages the hardware department to take the call.
Pa Redneck: "Roach gel Ain't in the hardwere deepartmunt!"
Clerk: "Yes sir. I had an outside call for someone in the hardware department."
Pa Redneck: "Hardwere Deepartmunt... thet's STOOOOPID. Roach gel in the Hardwere deepartmunt." Looks around at everyone else in the line and repeats himself. "Stoopid. Hardwere deepartmunt."
Clerk getting a little testy (me, too at this point). "Sir, I wasn't paging them about your request.... this was for another customer."
Pa Redneck: "Hardwere deepartmunt. Stooopid."
Clerk gets price check: "Sir, this item is $9, not $3.50."
Pa Redneck: "I ain't paying $9 for roach gel."

So do they just leave? No. They purchase as many candy bars, I think it was seven in total, as they can with their three bucks and change.

Hmmmm... won't candy bars lead to more roaches? Don't you think they'd have been better off saving up for the roach gel? Or splurging on soap and perhaps toothpaste?


Rob said...

But don't you feel much better about yourself after being around people like that. Whatever slight imperfection or criticism that you have about yourself is put into glaring, overwhelming perspective when you encounter those whose family tree is straighter than a telephone poll. Personally I would have found that situation amazingly entertaining because I've learned in all of my 34 years to laugh at myself and once you've learned to laugh at yourself, laughing at others becomes much easier and much more fulfilling. ;-)

tracey petersen said...

We have a family policy to help you here : "Kmart sucks". That's it. Developed after a long line of debarcles involviing a george foreman griller, some patio chairs and my sister. It is an ugly, ugly story better left untold.

precious pink pumps said...

I love those type of situations. As sussanah knows only too well, I wouldn't be able to help myself. I am renowned for asking "why" or engaging in conversation in some way. I would have had to say something to Pa Redneck along the lines of "Did they say the Hardware department? Why would it be there?". I am with you Rob, it's all about my entertainment.

Aunty Evil said...

Hahaha. Good story. Well told.

You surprise me sometimes Melinda.


Stomper Girl said...

Is roach gel cockroach poison?

That clerk did a great job.

Sussanah said...

Alain De Botton a philosopher and allround funny smart guy has the Theory of Status Anxiety. This is that western culture is far too absorbed in the idea of 'more and better' creating a constant sense of status anxiety, the feeling that you cannot match up with your nieghbours.

His solution to Satus Anxiety is to ensure that you have downwardly mobile friends. That you only keep people that you feel intellectually, financially and morally superior to in your life.

So, in short Melinda, you and Rob should have asked them over for a BBQ. You would feel fantastic!!

Rob said...

That sounds good in theory Sussanah, however I doubt that Australia has a social class to equal that of the deep south inbred redneck family. I mean, sure its great to laugh at them from a distance but if you were to invite them over you would soon find that they are harder to get rid of than the bugs they were trying to buy poison for. Once you make personal contact with these people they either consider you part of the clan or an enemy of the clan and from what I've seen and the stories I've heard you'd much rather be an enemy of the clan. And K-Mart doesn't carry inbred redneck gel....I've the hardware aisle....maybe I need to look again.

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