Monday, June 11, 2007

Muu Muus: A Cautionary Tale

My 88 year-old grandmother owns at least 20 Muu Muus. Every horrible tropical or floral or bright green pattern imaginable. Polka-dot ones, striped ones, solids. It is a staple of old-age fashion apparently. But there is one VERY important thing you should know if you come into contact with an elderly woman in a Muu Muu. There is no underwear under the Muu Muu. No granny panties, no bra, nothing. I know this from traumatic personal experience. I have been flashed, not once, not twice, but three times! Did I mention that my grandmother is 88? And that she weighs about 250 pounds?

I had no warning. Just going about a friendly visit sipping soft drinks and discussing why there is nothing good on the news these days and it is too depressing to watch (while watching said news on tv of course). With no forewarning, no time to avert the eyes, my grandmother whips the MuuMuu up to show me her gall bladder surgery scar. There was no underwear and no bra. My eyes were scalded. I choked on my Pepsi. Quickly looked at the floor. Desperately wishing for a brain squeegee. To make matters worse.... I realized that because this is my grandmother and we share some of the same DNA.... this could be me 50 years from now. Saggy, baggy, and ewwwww!

The next time was just as horrible. She asked me to rub some lintiment on her back as an old back injury was bothing her. What she really meant was old TAIL-bone injury! Again the Muu Muu goes up, again their is no underwear, no bra, nothing underneath. And she wants me to rub lintiment ever lower on her back. I drew the line near crackville. And spent 15 minutes scrubbing my hands in VERY hot water.

I am the only person in our family who has been flashed. And while I am flattered that my grandmother obviously loves (or is it hates?) me most. I love her dearly. She painted my nails for prom and gave me my first eyebrow tweezing. Made home-made play-doh and let me liberally apply her Jean Nate. But, I really am not comfortable with this level of closeness. And I have already told my sister that unless she gets flashed soon, daddy is going to live with her when he gets old, belligerent and crazy. I'll visit on weekends and holidays. Don't you think that's fair?

And please, if there is a chance of Muu Muu in your forecast, for God's sake, wear eye protection.... you might want to keep something for nausea on hand as well.

6 comments:

Tracey Petersen said...

shudder!

kirsty said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I'm so sorry to laugh at your pain, Melinda! Although it does remind me of the time my 94 yr old grandfather invited me into the bathroom to talk to him - where he was sitting on the toilet suffering constipation. He even grunted in my presence.

Rachael said...

Hi, I found your post through sussanah's , that is hilarious!!

Reminds me of the time the nurse through the covers back without warning to bath my grandfather, and yep there it was!!
I was fortunate enough to share the nightmare with my cousin , so unlike you I wasn't alone.
We said nothing and pretended it never happened until we were on our way home down the freeway... We both happened to look at each other half way home and knew exactly what the other was thinking , we laughed hyserically for the next four exits down the freeway driving all over the road.

Rachael said...

sorry (threw) , it was annoying me.

Shayne Hope said...

Melinda,

I found you through Susannah's blog. That is the best story I have heard i n a long time.

I am all for a woman who is confident within her self with no inhibitions and I say "Hell, If you make it to 88yo you can do whatever you want!"

Shayne

precious pink pumps said...

I haven't laughed so much in so long. Highly entertaining...though I appreciate that for you, it was very traumatic.

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